Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize