I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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