I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Even my vagina gasped.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
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