i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
