So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
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