so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
