Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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