I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
