I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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