I wish my penis had an off switch
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
