Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
