I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
