I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
