Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
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