The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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