I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Randomize
