Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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