i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
i need to put some appletini on your dick
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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