Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
