you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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