I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
