dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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