I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
