just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
