look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
