I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Four minutes until I can fart!
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
