M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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