it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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