does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
