I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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