So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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