I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
