May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
