i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Bring me that man meat
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize