I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
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