I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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