Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
My ass is underappreciated
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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