please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
