I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
