census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize