Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
