Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
