i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
