you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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