If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
