Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
