Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
