Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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