I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
