i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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