I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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