You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Use "feeling words"
Yay
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I need a beard to bite.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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