When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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