uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
