She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
