I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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